Mind on Repeat

Aah, mornings. My favorite time of day. You couldn't tell my dad that, though, he always annoys the hell out of me when I first get up and he wonders why I'm cranky. Anyway, mornings are awesome in my book 'cause it's when I weigh the least of the day. The verdict this morning? 159.2.

I've not eaten anything today, I'm not normally a big breakfast person. I just don't understand how eating in the morning is beneficial. Yeah, it's supposed to kick start my metabolism or whatever, but feeling of winning the battle is bigger than kickstarting my metabolism. Let me explain. Every day when I'm trying to lose weight feels like a war.. the first battle sight: my kitchen. "How long can I go without eating today?" is a question i've often asked myself. Usually it's around 1 or 2, but I've been known to go allllll day without eating. Am I proud of it? No. Well, maybe a little. Starving myself, even for a couple hours, provides a thrill for me, unmatched by anything else. That's weird, right? Well, I did use to have an eating disorder, and I've heard you're never fully over it, you're always a recovering bulimic or anorexic, much like alcoholics who have put down the bottle. There's always a possibility for relapse. In my case, not so much, but my mindset is what it is because of what I've gone through. I will never put my body in danger like that again, but the feeling of winning the morning breakfast battle is something that will never get old.

So. a little about my dieting history. I've counted calories, I've watched my fat intake, I've worked out every day for weeks, I've eating salads with mustard on them, I've cured my hunger pangs with dill pickles, I've suppressed my appetite with coffee, I've eaten my weight in lo mein and egg rolls (chinese = my weakness), I've snuck upstairs in the middle of the night and raided the cookie cabinet, I've taken diet pills, I've taken laxatives, I've drank nothing but water before, I've drank nothing but diet sodas before, I've weighed myself every day, I've gone weeks without stepping on the scale, etc. From one end of the spectrum to the other, I've been there. There's not much I've not experienced in the way of weight loss. I've had awesome victories, extreme failures, setbacks, plateaus, and roadblocks. This last time I was trying to lose weight, everything was going swell, until I got appendicitis and had to have surgery to remove my appendix. 3 scars, a few internal stitches. No strenuous activity for 4 weeks. mental DEFLATION of the success balloon. Yeah, I could have eaten better, but, come on, I just had surgery, I wanted comfort food!!

i'm hoping no setbacks or emergency medical conditions pop up this time that keep me from reaching my goals. I'd like to be 155 before I go back to school, which is a little less than 2 weeks away. Doesn't exactly fit in with my 1.5 pounds a week, it's a little more ambitious, but I'm just trying to see what my potential for weight loss is, with the moderate changes I"m making. I'm leaving this afternoon to go to a wedding this weekend, I can just imagine how that's gonna go down.Rehearsal dinner tonight, wedding and reception tomorrow night.. Cheese, bbq weenies, alcohol, finger sandwiches, etc will be present i'm sure. I"m gonna be good, though. I am. Cuz I want to see a change on that scale worse than I will want to try that fondue fountain.